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 The evening held a slight chill for the late October day. It was Halloween night and I was decorating the living room for our son's first party. Jake had just turned five and was very excited that I had said yes to his pleas for a party. We had spent the last month working on invitations, decorations, and of course his little cowboy outfit. My husband Jim had even helped with a few of the game set ups. Making the donkey out of wood for the pin the tail game, and helping with the paper mache pinata. He had talked all last week with Jake about how he had taken the night off just to be at the party.
I guess Jim had heard the lies I told our son every night about how daddy had to work late, instead of the truth. It was hard at first to look into my child's eyes and tell him those lies but it became easier as I would tell everyone I those lies. I think deep down, I really wanted to believe them myself. The truth is he was drinking at the bar and nothing I did or said would bring him home before he was ready to come. We often fought over this. Our friends and family tried to help but Jim did not see that he had a problem. He could stop anytime he wanted to. 'Yeah right then why didn't he?' was always my reply. Well this night I truly thought he would come home. After all this was Jake's first party. No father would miss that just to have a drink or two I reasoned.
With a deep sigh I looked at the clock. It was getting late and I thought I should get Jake ready before the guests start to show up. We had invited 10 of the neighborhood kids. My baby sitters Mary and Kate were to arrive in a few minutes to help out and then take the kids trick or treating. I wanted to be dressed in my witches costume before they got here. So I started up the stairs when I heard the voice of my son talking to his favorite stuffed toy, Bunny.
'Daddy will be here Bunny. Don't worry he promised this time. I know he would not say that he would be here if he couldn't.' His voice cut through me like a knife.
How many times had Jim promised to make it to one of my dinner parties only to show up when the guest were leaving. Or worse yet right in the middle of it drunk out of his mind. I can't remember how many times my friends Daryl and Clair helped me to carry him up stairs and then sat next to me and comforted me until I felt I could go up and sleep next to him. I was so sure when we had Jake that he would change. That he would stay home and look out for us, play ball with our son on the weekends. The thought of my son and his father playing together brought tears to my eyes. A single tear escaped and ran down my cheek. I hurriedly brushed it a side as Jake came out of his room.
'Is daddy home yet?' The look he gave me nearly set me off to crying again.
Taking a deep breath I shook my head. 'No dear not yet. I bet that he just stopped off at the store to get you a gift for your party.' I tried so hard to smile at him. I could hear the strain in my voice.
'Why don't you go down now and be sure we have got all the decorations up. I will be there shortly. I want to be all dressed for your guests.' Seeing his eyes light up warmed my heart and I was able to give him a real smile this time.
'Ok mommy see you soon. Oh and mommy. I love you.' With that he ran off down the stairs. I had to wipe another tear from my cheek at his words. I sometimes forgot he was only five. He had a way of acting so grown up it scared me.
Going into my room I turned on the light and sat on our bed. I picked up the phone and dialed the number to Jim's work. Hoping I guess that he would be there. The phone rang for a long time then a machine picked up. I didn't even bother to leave a message. I just hung up, wishing I had thought to call before the office closed. Then most times they closed early and went for a staff meeting and a drink at one of the many bars in the city.
Sighing deeply I got up and went into the bathroom and looked at the costume I had made for this party. Jake had begged his father to wear a costume but Jim had refused claiming how silly it was. Well silly or not I would not let our son down. I picked up the dress and slipped it over my head and started to add my make-up.
Within minutes I had transformed myself from a pretty little brunette to a mean black haired, ugly witch. I heckled into the mirror just to see the effect, then giggled to myself. I made a nasty witch if I do say so myself. Drawing in a deep breath to fortify myself I picked up my broom and switched off the light.
As I neared the top of the stairs I heard the muffled voices of my sitters. I mustered my energies and tore down the stairs with an awful cackling and out into the living room where they all stood. The girls bless their angelic little hearts jumped and ran around behind the couch pulling Jake with them. They pretended to be really scared, then burst into laughter as I shook my broom at them and gave them my scariest face.
As I started to chase them out from behind the couch the door bell rang and Jake made a mad dash to the door yell out over his shoulder.
'I'll get it' The excitement in his voice had us all giggling and laughing. The three of us moved out to the center of the room to greet the little monster and alien that had just entered my house. As the others began to show up the girls took over the entertainment for the party leaving me to tend the door and the treats for the guests. About twenty minutes or so after all the guests had arrived and were itching to get their hands into the pumpkins to turn them into Jack-O-Lantern masterpieces. Jake came to the door where I was handing out the last of the candy to a fairy princess.
'Hi sweety what do you need?' I looked over his head into the eyes of Mary. She was trying to tell me something but I could see she did not want Jake to hear what was on her mind.
'Jake honey mommy needs you to go into the kitchen and get the last bag of candy in the cupboard by the sink. Can you do that for me please?' his eyes shining bright with happiness to be a help to me again he just nodded and ran off.
'What is it Mary' I asked her as we stepped out onto the porch.
'Jake said Jim was coming to the party and so when he said he wanted to wait until Jim got here before we started to carve the pumpkins I said it was ok. But I don't know if we should wait much longer. It is getting late and if we don't get them out there soon all the good stuff will be gone.' I could see in her eyes she really cared about the kids here. Kate and Mary were the two we all called on when we needed sitters. They were responsible and reasonable in price. I knew she was right so as Jake opened then door I told her to go ahead and start and we would be there in a second.
'Jake honey can you come and sit with me a second? Mommy needs to talk with you. Remember when I was up stairs dressing?' Jake quickly nodded his head. His curls bounced out from under his cowboy hat. 'Well mommy called daddy at work to be sure he was going to make it and honey he is really tied up. He told me to give you a big hug and promised to come home as soon as he could. He said he would expect a full report in the morning.'
I saw all the life slip from my son's face. Tears welling in both our eyes. 'I was going to tell you sooner but the guests started to show up and I just got busy and forgot. Honey it is ok.' I wiped a tear from his cheek. 'We can still have great fun tonight, then tell daddy all about it in the morning and he will be so envious of the time we had. I am sure he will be home soon so lets just go on in and carve him the biggest and best Jack-O-Lantern in the world. Ok?' I tried to smile bravely and I think it worked because soon he was jumping up and tugging on my hand to follow him.
Back in the house the kids were having the time of there lives. As soon as we entered Jake dropped my hand and ran to Kate who had saved him the largest of all the pumpkins. I smiled gratefully at her and began to clean up some of the party things. I got the bags with the candy the neighbors had sent over ready to hand out as kids left to do the traditional door to door trick or treating as well.
A half hour later with bags in hand, all my little monsters, princesses, aliens, and cowboy were standing in a line and ready to march out the door. I noticed that Jake was talking with Mary and shaking his head no. He looked like he was going to start to cry any minute so I walked over and asked what was wrong.
'Honey what's wrong?' My voice threatened to crack as I looked to Mary. She just shook her head and went over to help the others make sure they had everything they came with. The girls were going to drop off each child on their way around the block.
Jake's small voice broke my thoughts. 'I don't want to go mommy. I want to sit out on the steps and wait for daddy to come home. Can I please? I don't need more candy. I just want to show daddy the Jack-O-Lantern I made him.' his eyes begged with his words and what could I say but sure.
'Ok honey you don't have to go. Let me make sure everyone has what they need then we can sit and wait on the steps together. Ok?' Again I was thinking how often Jim had done this and how often he was sure to do it again in the future.
Jake's next words shocked me so much I just nodded my head yes without thinking. He asked in a small voice. 'Can I just wait by myself I want to show it to him alone?' He picked up the pumpkin with great care when he saw my nod and walked pass his guests out to the porch.
Mary touched my arm and brought me back to earth. 'Should we take the kids now?'
'What? Oh yes dear, please take them. And thank you both for all your help. Come by tomorrow afternoon and I will pay you for your time.' I tried to smile but Jake's being upset was weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart. She just nodded and went back to the kids. Then they were gone.
I started to clean up just for something to do with my hands. I had the house completely clean. The decorations down and put away, the dishes done, and the pumpkin carving mess picked up. Everything was taken care of when I heard the noise of a car pulling into the driveway.
I sat down heavily on the couch and stared at the door and waited for Jim to enter. True to form he slammed the door behind him as he came in. I just glared at him. He did not even see me there at first. He stood looking around as if he did not know where he was.
When he noticed me sitting in the remnants of my witches outfit and he laughed. 'So is it Halloween already babes?' he stumbled over to me and tried to hug me.
I pushed him away and yelled at him. 'As a matter of fact it is, you damned idiot and you missed the most important night of our son's life so far. You promised him damn you.' I struck out at him. Hitting him over and over in my anger. After a few seconds of this I crumbled into a heap on the couch.
'You have some nerve woman. Don't you think I deserve a little more respect than this. I work all day to pay the bills. All I want to do at the end of it is have a few drinks then come home and have a dinner waiting for me. Is that to much to expect? Well is it? And just what have you been doing all day. Playing dress up in the ridiculous outfit. Where is my dinner?' He face was getting red and his voice had risen to the pitch that always woke Jake up from his sleep.
I think it was then I realized Jake was not upstairs sleeping but had gone out to wait for Jim to get home. My face must have dissolved into fear because Jim changed from a raging bull to a scared little boy.
In a weak voice he said 'I'm sorry babes I did not mean to scare you I would never hurt you. Please don't look at me like that.' How often I had heard words just like those. Jim was never a mean drunk. He was the type of drunk that changed moods so quickly. Mad as hell one moment and scared and loving the next. I just never knew what to expect, but he had never hit or hurt me before and I never thought he would.
'Where is Jake, Jim?' I think my question shocked him sober.
'How would I know I just got home. Why? Isn't he up in his bed?' a touch of my fear creeping into his voice, making it crack.
'God no. He wanted to show you his Jack-O-Lantern and was waiting for you outside on the porch. Didn't you see him when you came in.' the panic raising my voice a decimal or two.
'You let him sit out there alone on Halloween night? For Christ sakes woman are you stupid?' That sentence cut right through me. God what had I done. I had left our child out in the night all alone. I know the streets are not safe even here in our little town. I jumped up from the couch and stared for the door. 'Perhaps he just went round back for a while. Yes I am sure that is where he is.'
Jim followed close behind me. As we stepped off the porch and headed toward the car and to the path that lead round back he said in a rather threatening voice. 'I pray to God you are right. I swear if anything has happened to my boy, I'll.'
I turned on him and screamed into his face, 'You'll what? Hit me? Kill me? And since when was he your boy? Last time I checked he was our boy. Not that anyone would know it, you're never home to be a father anyway.' Jim's hand flashed out and slapped me hard across my face.
The force of it sent me flying to the ground and I cried out in pain. I closed my eyes for a second but my subconscious told me to look under the front tire of the vehicle. My eyes snapped open again and I crawled to the car. The remains of a smashed pumpkin lay crushed under the tire and I could see a piece of leather laying next to it.
A piercing scream invaded my thoughts and then I realized it was coming from me. Under the other tire I could see the lifeless hand of my son. I worked my way under the vehicle and caught hold of his small limp body and dragged him out. I pulled Jake into my arms the tears flowed in endless rivers down my cheeks as I searched his face for some sign of life. I found only that angelic look of a child at peace, perhaps in a deep sleep.
My screams must have stopped before long and faintly I could hear other sounds slowly invade my private hell. The wail of a siren, the quiet murmurs of others around me, and the soft cries of a man in the deepest of pains. 'That must be Jim' I thought. I felt the touch of a hand on my shoulder and just shook it off, holding Jake closer to my breast, the way a mother would hold her child when she was comforting him after a scary dream.
My tears still blurred my eyes. I prayed for the first time in years that night. I prayed to God to let my son live. I begged him to take me instead. I had lived my life, but Jake was so young. Why would God take him like this?
I think it was then that it sunk in. Jake had been killed by his own father. Oh the irony of it all. Jim, whom for years I had feared, would kill someone's child, had killed our very own Jake. I had never thought that our son would be the victim I would have to grieve for.
I must have loosen my grip on Jake's body as I thought about this. Soon he was gone from my arms completely and I collapsed into a tearful heap. I soon felt arms around me helping me to stand then to sit on what I guess must have been an ambulance stretcher. It was Clair sitting next to me. I looked up into her eyes hoping she would tell me it had all been a bad dream and it was over now. Her sad smile and tears of pain told me it was all too real. My little Jake was gone. He was dead. I was all alone in this world.
Not long after that I began to see those around me. There was a police man talking with Jim. I saw his face fall as they turned him around and put the handcuffs on him, reading him his rights as they did.
When they walked him past us I thought I heard his faint plea 'Forgive me babes I did not know. I am so sorry.'
More tears broke forth. Not because of his words. They meant nothing to me anymore. Just more of his broken promises. I cried for the man I had once loved and who was as lost to me as our died child was. I cried for the family we were supposed to be, and for the man our little boy would never grow up to be, and most of all for the woman who would never understand why her angel was taken from this earth.
I cried for all those things that night, and for many nights to follow. Sometimes on Halloween night when I hand out candy in my witches costume and a little cowboy runs across my lawn my heart jumps. Then I realize it can't be Jake for he has been gone for years now. But I guess a part of me will always hope my angel will come back to me.
liza Magill spring 1997
| This story is dedicated to Kara and Sue for all their love over the years.
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